did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
