there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
