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Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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