I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
