I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
