im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
