I will die if light touches me.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
