Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
