Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
