Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
