Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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