Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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