Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
