My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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