Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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