I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize