cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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