Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
