I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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