cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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