I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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