hotel room ftw
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
