so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
