You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
