oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
