she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Randomize
