i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Randomize
