I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I have post one night stand depression
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