you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
