dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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