It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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