If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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