So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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