i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
