Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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