a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Soap is not a condiment
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize