just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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