Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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