Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
