My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
