This is not my ceiling
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
