Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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