well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
