My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
