News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
