There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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