Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
