grandma shit on top of the toilet
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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