I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize