well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
