Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
