and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
