I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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