Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
