do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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