I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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