If that was your dad, he is hot
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
