meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
