we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
