I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
