While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
